An old Levantine marriage

Marriage is the cornerstone of any society, and for Syrians, it has been a treasured establishment for centuries, practiced with rituals and festivities, from one generation to the next. Much has changed when it comes to arranged marriages in Syria, but a few details remain the same. 

Syrian marriages in the past were arranged at an early age for both males and females. For young boys, it was common to get married by the age of 16 (or when they reached puberty). When a young boy was “ready,” female relatives (mothers, older sisters, aunts) would start searching for a suitable wife between 12 – 13 years old. When choices were limited, it was common for a family to hire a professional matchmaker, and together, they would scan the homes of Damascus, knocking on doors and asking, “Do you have girls for marriage?” The search process could take months, sometimes years, and only when a suitable wife was found would the examinations begin. 

After finding a potential bride, different women from the groom’s family would pay consecutive visits to the bride’s home. They would ask around town, about the potential wife’s reputation, and that of her entire family. While visiting the girl’s home, the groom’s family would specifically watch out for details; cleanliness, behavior, hygiene, and how talented the potential wife was in house chores, like cooking or cleaning. She would be asked to prepare coffee, or refreshments, and be watched, from head-to-toe, while presenting them to the guests, to see how she walked, how she laughed, how she bended over while presenting guests with drinks, and so on. Conversations would be started with her, to see what kind of tone she spoke with, how she looked at people when speaking, and an overall evaluation would be made of her conversation skills.

When a young girl passed the initial examination, the groom’s family would invite her and her family to a full day at the Turkish bath. There, they would see her full body, and literarily smell her to watch out for body odor. They would check if she had any deformities, and whether her clothes were clean. They would often pull her hair—either pretending to do it by accident or on purpose, to make sure that it was natural and that she was not wearing a wig.  

Once the second step was passed, and the potential bride was “approved” by the suitor’s family, an oral report would be presented to the groom, on issues that only women can discover. It was impossible for a man to see his bride before the wedding day, which is why he completely relied on what his mother and sisters told him.  

As for the bride’s family, they too conducted their own examinations, before giving their approval. They would ask about the groom’s reputation, his wealth, and social standing among family, friends, and within his community. These questions could include details about his family, friends, and income. They too reported to senior family members on whether the groom was suitable for their daughter, or not. When both families were satisfied, a date was set for engagement, after consulting with fathers, mothers, and grandparents. The couple intended for marriage were not allowed to see each other, and often not allowed to ask too many questions since this was an issue decided upon by family elders.

 The groom’s family would assemble a senior delegation of family and community members, usually headed by the dean of the young man’s family. They would then head off to the bride’s family, in full procession, sometimes accompanied by the town elder, or chief. The more prestigious the delegation, the greater the honor paid to the potential wife’s family. The dean of the groom’s family then spoke directly to the dean of the bride’s family, asking for her hand in marriage. Positive answers usually varied from a blunt approval to rosy phrases like, “She is now your daughter and no longer ours. We would be honored by this marriage.” The two families then discussed financial matters related to dowry, then read the opening section of the Holy Quran (the Fatiha), signaling that the engagement was now official. This was an all-male event; the groom was there, but the bride was not.  

In preparation for marriage, the groom purchased all kinds of jewelry for his bride, depending on his financial abilities, along with two outfits at least (one for summer and one for winter) and house furniture, which can vary but were usually bathroom utilities, bath robes, soap, and so on. 

This show continued until voices were heard from a distance, signaling that the groom was approaching, with his family and friends. He was generally escorted to the bride’s home with a full parade, known in Arabic as ’arada, that includes popular chants, dancing, swordsmen, and sometimes horseback riders. The procession sometimes reached up to 100 men. The bride quickly returned to her wedding gown, and covered her face, awaiting his entry. He would then walk in and lift the veil off her face, as women of both families would chant and sing. 

Before heading to go pick up his bride, the groom also had his rituals. These were called the “talbiseh” or roughly in English, “dressing the groom.” It too was a full-day event, which usually started in the morning when the groom went to the Turkish bath with male family members and friends. They would bathe him, with close friends getting the honor of scrubbing him on the Wedding Day, followed by a bachelor breakfast in his honor. He was then taken for a Wedding Haircut, which usually involved trimming and fixing his moustache, a prized symbol for manhood in Syria and throughout the East. After an afternoon nap and the evening prayers, he would go back home to get dressed for his wedding. His friends literarily dressed him, from head to toe, and rubbed his body with cologne, often nudging him with small needles, to add humor to the festivities. Once the dressing procession was over, male members listened to recitals of the Holy Quran, and were presented with Oriental sweets by the groom’s family.  

After picking up his bride, and heading off to their new home, the young girl would place a wax or clay blotch on her new home, “so that she sticks to her husband’s house.” If it stuck, superstition dictated that this raises the chances of a long and fruitful marriage. If it didn’t, superstition spelled out trouble for the newlywed couple.  
 
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Carole Bechara is a writer based in Damascus, specialized in Syrian culture and folklore.